Bloke went into hospital to have his appendix out. On the day, the qualified surgeon was giving instructions to a trainee and as the trainee was using the scalpel, his hand slipped and the scalpel cut off the man's balls.
"Oh no!" cried the trainee, "I'm ever so sorry, doctor, it was an accident."
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "these things happen."
"But we can't let him walk around with no balls for the rest of his life," the trainee said at which point the nurse chipped in.
"Well, there's a jar of picked onions in the cupboard, if you sew a couple of those on, he'll never know the difference."
"Good thinking," said the doctor and after the guy's appendix had been removed, the nurse opened the jar of pickled onions, selected the biggest two she could find, and the doctor sewed them on and the bloke was wheeled back to the ward.
A few days later as the bloke was recovering, the doctor was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke and said: "hello Mr. Smith, I'm pleased to tell you the appendix removal went well. Have you any questions?"
The bloke thought for a moment and then said: "well, doctor, there's one thing that's been worrying me. You know when you get a hard-on, every time you see a nice young lady in tight sexy clothes?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, nodding understandingly.
"Well," replied the bloke, "since the operation, I've been getting a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."
Bloke went to the doctor and said: "doctor, you've got to help me, I think I've got Tom Jones Syndrome, I can't seem to stop singing The Green Green Grass of Home".
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."
A vicar was on his way home when he inadvertently strayed into a red light district. He passed the entrance to an alleyway from where he heard a man's voice ask: "how much for a blowjob?" and a woman's voice reply: "fifty quid." The vicar was somewhat bemused but thought nothing more of it until, five minutes later, he passed another alleyway and heard another man ask the same question and get the same response. The vicar was now quite intrigued as he had no idea what a blowjob is. Then he thought: "ah, I know, I'll stop off at the abbey and have a word with the Reverend Mother, she might know." When he got to the abbey, he went into the Reverend Mother's room and said: "Reverend Mother, may I ask you a question?" "Of course," the Reverend Mother replied. "What's a blowjob?" asked the vicar. "Fifty quid," the Reverend Mother replied, "same as it is in town."
Me, “are you rearing a lot of cattle?”
Cowboy, “I have many calves at my ranch, once older they will be ready for the market”
Me, “are you raising the steaks!”
Cowboy, “that joke wa. . . “
Me, “was, well done!”
Wife, “you’re getting very cocky lately”.
Me, “ perhaps there is a magic medicine to stop it”.
Wife, “I am going see the Doc, perhaps there is an anti-bragging cream”.
Me, “Can’t wait to rub it in!”.
An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are having a pint down to pub. A fly lands in the Englishman's pint. With a look of disgust he takes the pint back to the bar and returns with a fresh pint. A fly lands in the Scotsman's pint. He reaches in and pulls it out and continues to drink it. A fly lands in the Irishman's pint. He reaches in, pulls the fly out of his pint and says, "Spit it out, ya filthy bastard."
Me, “Here you are darling wife, a nice cup of tea”. . . .
Grandson, “Grandad after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful or honey, what’s your secret?”
Me, “well sonny, it’s got nothing to do with love, I forgot her name years ago & I’m to scared to ask her what it is”
NEWSFLASH: A prison bus and a cement truck have collided. The prisoners have escaped. The public is warned to be on the lookout for twelve hardened criminals! 🙂
Mate, “I have been told you have some new tattoos on your arms & shoulders”
Me, “yes only outlines so friends can colour them in”
Mate, “that’s odd”
Me, “now and then, everyone needs a shoulder to crayon”.
Mate, “Which is?”
Me, “yes, have I told you before!”
"Oh no!" cried the trainee, "I'm ever so sorry, doctor, it was an accident."
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "these things happen."
"But we can't let him walk around with no balls for the rest of his life," the trainee said at which point the nurse chipped in.
"Well, there's a jar of picked onions in the cupboard, if you sew a couple of those on, he'll never know the difference."
"Good thinking," said the doctor and after the guy's appendix had been removed, the nurse opened the jar of pickled onions, selected the biggest two she could find, and the doctor sewed them on and the bloke was wheeled back to the ward.
A few days later as the bloke was recovering, the doctor was doing his rounds and went up to the bloke and said: "hello Mr. Smith, I'm pleased to tell you the appendix removal went well. Have you any questions?"
The bloke thought for a moment and then said: "well, doctor, there's one thing that's been worrying me. You know when you get a hard-on, every time you see a nice young lady in tight sexy clothes?"
"Yes," replied the doctor, nodding understandingly.
"Well," replied the bloke, "since the operation, I've been getting a hard-on every time I see a cheese sandwich."
"No," replied the bloke, "I've been ill."
"Oh, don't worry," the doctor replied, "it's not unusual."
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.
Mate, “what award do you think?”
Me, “ Errr, perhaps the no bell price!”
Cowboy, “I have many calves at my ranch, once older they will be ready for the market”
Me, “are you raising the steaks!”
Cowboy, “that joke wa. . . “
Me, “was, well done!”
Me, “ perhaps there is a magic medicine to stop it”.
Wife, “I am going see the Doc, perhaps there is an anti-bragging cream”.
Me, “Can’t wait to rub it in!”.
Now they are tenants!
Mate, “Ah but what if you took it away?”
Me, “you will have Gravy!”.
Toys for twats 😆😆😆
Mate, “it’s not possible to make a pun out of vegetables”
Me, “That isn’t nececelery so”
On the bar was a large glass jar full of money, with a note on it saying "if you go out back & make my horse laugh you win the jar"
The man goes to see the horse, comes back, the barman sees the horse laughing the man wins the jar.
Some time later the man returns to the bar & a similar jar was there but the note read "if you go out back & make my horse cry you win the jar"
Sure enough, the man went out back, returned with the horse crying.
He collected the prize & was heading for the door, the barman called out "how did you win the first jar".
The man replied "I whispered into your horses ear that my dick was bigger then his"
"well ok, but how did you make my horse cry" the barman asked.
The man replied "I showed him".
But what's funnier is that I know the name of the guy who got the money!!!!
--------------------------------------- added after 2 minutes
His name is Robben!
--------------------------------------- added after 71 seconds
Poor old horse "Robben" had it all over the cunt
Grandson, “Grandad after 65 years, you still call grandma darling, beautiful or honey, what’s your secret?”
Me, “well sonny, it’s got nothing to do with love, I forgot her name years ago & I’m to scared to ask her what it is”
Me, “I bet you can’t wait 2 meter”
Mate, " No , what happened?"
Me, "We drifted apart!"
2 lips on an organ 😂
👉 /blogs/55554.html 👈
--------------------------------------- added after 25 seconds
Oh, sorry, I thought this was a joke too
Me, “yes only outlines so friends can colour them in”
Mate, “that’s odd”
Me, “now and then, everyone needs a shoulder to crayon”.
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