I saw a joke on a birthday card too:-

On the front:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes on, it shows you're crazy.

Inside:-

If you take a shower on your birthday with your clothes off, it shows your nuts!!!.

Whats the best present for a rock mad kid?
A broken Drum
For your own sanity, it can’t be beaten!

Me, “I went to that new bar on the high street last night”
Mate, “I know the place, it’s busy there”
Me, “yes, it is, I went dressed as a tennis ball”
Mate, “What, your mad, I bet you were laughed at”
Me, “Yes but at the bar I got served straight away”

Mate, “Rebel yells was the best”
Wife, “ No no, White wedding”
Me, “ will you two knock it off with the idol chit-chat!”

Thieves broke into Scotland Yard last night and stole all the toilets.

Police say at the moment, they've nothing to go on.

I woke up the other night and Gloria Gaynor was standing at the end of my bed.

At first I was afraid, then I was petrified.

Mate, “I have just come back from my first art class, I was asked to draw a circle!”
Me, “That sounds a bit pointless”
Mate, “Err, what! I dont know if I will find the time to do it again”
Me, “you will get a-round to it”
Mate, “you are terrible sometimes”
Me, “I’d not worry about it, what goes around, comes a round!”

First you'll ask, "Do you remember your first blowjob?". Give them a second while they're thinking and then you'll ask "How long did it take for him to cum?"

Why will you never be hungry in the desert? Because of the sand-which-is there

Mate, “Rebel yells was the best”
Wife, “ No no, White wedding”
Me, “ will you two knock it off with the idol chit-chat!”

I saw a joke cartoon on a birthday card.

The cartoon showed the inside of a pharmacist store. A guy asks the pharmacist:

“Can I get Viagra here?”

The pharmacist answers

“Yes”

The guy then asks

“Can I get it over the counter?”

The pharmacist replies

“Only if you take two tablets”

Well it looked amusing on the card.

A maniac murdered a woman on board a train. As the train went over the bridge, he opened the door, pushed the victim out then closed the door and returned to his seat as if nothing had happened.
Eventually, the police caught up with him and, after questioning, they decided it was an open and shut case.

Mate, “hows the new job going?”
Me, “Only been at the bike factory 1 week & I have been given a promotion ”
Mate, “promotion already, to what?”
Me, “spokesperson”

Mate, “what are you smiling about”
Me, “I am remembering growing up in the 80’s”
Mate, “Ahh the 80’s the era of boom boxes”
Me, “well that’s just a stereotype!”

I ordered Chinese locally (won't name them) went to pick it up and as I was driving back home, heard the bags rustling and moving!!!
I thought what on earth is that? Has something gotten into the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out.
I was driving at the time so I pulled over, I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out behind the ginger beef!
I thought its got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...
And there it was ...
... A Peeking Duck!!!

Bloke was in a launderette watching his smalls going round when a woman comes in and starts loading lots of £5, £10, £20 and £50 notes into an adjacent machine.
"What the bloody hell are you doing?" asked the man.
"What d'you think I'm doing, you stupid twat," replied the woman. "I'm money laundering."

Me, “I have taken to sleeping on a pile of old magazines”
Mate, “That can’t be doing you any good”
Me, “Quite the opposite, it’s great for back issues!”

All the action in the next James Bond film is going to take place in an opticians. Its going to be called For Four Eyes Only.

I still enjoy sex at 96. I live at 94 so its not far to go.

Visiting a mate, hear a loud bang n crash & go and investigate to find my mate under some shelfing and a pile of heavy books!
Me, “you ok mate, looks like you have taken a bang to the head”
Mate, “I’m ok, looks like this lot came down on me, guess I didn’t put it up very good”
Me, “you only have your shelf to blame!”

He only noticed he had diarrhoea when he took his bicycle clips off

Two big blokes went into a pub. One said to the other: "Your round."
"You can talk, you fat sod," the other bloke replied.

Me, “ I have just published a book about Poltergeists”
Mate, “Oh great, how’s it doing”
Me, “They are flying off the shelfs”.

Cowboy, “You put glue on my revolvers boy”
Son, “ No Pa, honest I didn’t”
Cowboy, “you sure as well did”
Son, “I swear I didn’t, don’t you believe me?”
Cowboy, “Dam it, no. I’m sticking to my guns”

Me, “my new year’s resolution is to decorate my living room in velcro”
Mate, “what, is this another crap joke, you will never do it”
Me, “I will & I’m going to stick to it!”

Mate, “what you been doing recently?”
Me, “ oh this & that, been shopping with the wife, brought one of them new fangled toilet brushes”
Mate, “Any good?”
Me, “Seems to work well at getting it all clean”
A few days later. . . .
Mate, “I got me one of those new toilet brushes”
Me, “Oh, hows is working for you?”
Me, “Well to be honest, I find it scratches and leaves my ass sore, so I have gone back to toilet paper!

Doc, “ your having a heart attack, Ill grab the defibrillator”
Me, “Don’t grab it later, grab it now!”

Mate, “Any idea why the French eat snails?
Me, “They don’t like fast food”

Nice quiet & easy drive home last night, but strangely I spotted an Ice-cream sundae, a lemon drizzle cake, an apple pie & a Eton mess.
The streets were desserted!

Me, “have you heard about a strange illnesses going round that makes you forget 80’s music?”.
Mate, “What the… is something going to be done about it?”
Me, “No one knows the Cure”

Do you know how much Santa pays for parking at Christmas?
.
.
.
.
.
.
Nothing it’s all on the house!!

Sylvester Stallone said he wants to make some movies about historical classical composers.
In the first film he wants to paly, Beethoven, but asks some fellow actors who they might want to be.
Jean Claude Van Damme said, “I’ll be Mozart”.
Bruce Willis said, “I’ll be Tchaikovsky”
Arnold Schwarzenegger refused to comment!!!

Where do Pirates get their hooks from
.
.
.
.
.
.
Second hand stores!

A guy walks into a bakery and asks “can buy a ham sandwich with cream cheese?”
The attendant say’s “sorry we only take cash” . . .

What is the bad thing about a lung transplant? That first loogie is not yours.

Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months without my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “well, credit to you, that you've done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”

Mate, “I don’t quite understand now knitted jumpers are so cheap, Did you know it takes 3 sheep to make just one jumper?”
Me, “Didn’t know that sheep could knit!”

A guy just knocked a jar of Mayonnaise off the shelf at the store.
Involuntarily shouted, what the Helman!

A woman was walking down the road when she noticed two cows smoking a joint. The steaks were high.

Me, “This is a tidy farm you have; would you happen to have some eggs for sale?”
Farmer, “We try and keep it clean, but sorry we don’t have chickens”
Me, “I guess that’s why it’s impeccable then!”.

Me, “Doc, I have a problem with my hearing”
Doc, “Describe the symptoms”
Me, “They are yellow, Homer works at the power plant & Marge has blue hair!”