Little boy asked his mum: "mummy, does grandpa sound like a frog?"
"Of course not," replied his mother, "whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well," replied the little boy, "daddy's just said that when grandpa croaks, we're going to go to Disneyland."
Little boy came home and said to his mum: "Mummy, I've just been to a strip club."
"Oh you naughty boy," replied his mother, horrified. "Did you see anything you wasn't supposed to?"
"Yeah," replied the little boy, "daddy."
Me, “hello mate how are you now?”
Mate, “Officially 12 months with out my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “ well you have done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”
Bob and Ted are painting Bob’s fence.
Bob bends down to fill his paint brush from the paint can.
Ted says, “Don’t bend over like that, I’m so horny not even the crack of Dawn is safe!”
Bob and Ted walk into a coffee shop. Bob orders pie and Ted orders coffee. The waitress brings their order,
She comes back in five minutes and asks Bob, “How was the pie?”
Bob says, “I’ve had worse!”
Ted says, “He just can’t remember when!’
Me, “our office is having internet difficulties”
Computer guy, ”have you tried disabling cookies?”
Me, “well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”
Me, “I am reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome”
Mate, “That sound like heavy reading, how are you finding it?
Me, “At first, I hated it, but after a while I am really starting to like it”
Me, “Feeling a little low at the moment”
Mate, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
Me, “thanks, I know you mean well”
Me, “Every time I take my Labrador to the park, the Duck’s come running and try pecking him”
Mate, “Why do they try pecking your dog?”
Me, “I can only thing it’s because he’s a pure bread!”
Mate, “with Halloween just past, who’s your favourite Vampire”
Me, “the one from Sesame Street”
Mate, “he doesn’t count”
Me, “he sure as hell does, seen him go to 10”
Bartender says “sorry but we don’t serve food here”!
"Of course not," replied his mother, "whatever gave you that idea?"
"Well," replied the little boy, "daddy's just said that when grandpa croaks, we're going to go to Disneyland."
Librarian, (leans over and whispers in my ear) “THERE BEHIND YOU”!!!
Mate, “Why Clint?”
Me, “Because Clint eats wood!”.
.
.
.
Hubby, “every now and then you need a little pun-ishment”
It still won’t tell me why it crossed the road!
Me, “I don’t think their parents will like that”
"Oh you naughty boy," replied his mother, horrified. "Did you see anything you wasn't supposed to?"
"Yeah," replied the little boy, "daddy."
Mate, “That must be a lot of pasta”
Me, “Well it’s worth every penne”
Me, “No, but I bet it’s because they are ice-o-lated!”
Mate, “you need to keep it warmer!”
Me, “yes, well It was my own fault, I had too many windows open”
Me, “That was not a nightmare, it was a Fanta sea!”
Mate, “wow, so what went wrong?”
Me, “I failed the exam, they were all trick questions!”
Mate, “Officially 12 months with out my addiction”
Me, “that’s good, what was it now”
Mate, “chocolate, nuts & marshmallows”
Me, “ well you have done it, but it must have been a Rocky Road!”
If it were served warm, it would be justwater!!!
Barman, “what can I get you?”
Weasel, “pop”
You should have seen the Luke on his face 😊
He asked “dad, why can’t you use a sponge?”
Apple Pi
Looking back at it now, I see Why!
Bob bends down to fill his paint brush from the paint can.
Ted says, “Don’t bend over like that, I’m so horny not even the crack of Dawn is safe!”
She comes back in five minutes and asks Bob, “How was the pie?”
Bob says, “I’ve had worse!”
Ted says, “He just can’t remember when!’
Mate, “Don’t you mean non-fiction!”
Me, “No it’s a book about the history of lubricants”
Mate, “So whats stopping you putting a show on?”
Me, “I need a cast”
Computer guy, ”have you tried disabling cookies?”
Me, “well I once bit the legs off a gingerbread man!”
Mate, “bet you didn’t”
Me, “correct, I mist !”
Mate, “A blacksmith!”
Me, “As soon as I got him home, he made a bolt for the door!”
Mate, “That sound like heavy reading, how are you finding it?
Me, “At first, I hated it, but after a while I am really starting to like it”
Mate, “Cheer up, it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water”
Me, “thanks, I know you mean well”
Mate, “Why do they try pecking your dog?”
Me, “I can only thing it’s because he’s a pure bread!”
Me, “perhaps you should lower the price!”
There were 20 of them.
Me, “the one from Sesame Street”
Mate, “he doesn’t count”
Me, “he sure as hell does, seen him go to 10”
A low down bum
The old ones are the best!!!
Me, “Sounds like it’s more of a rap to me!”
Cunts way low of coarse
Mate, “I might be bald, but I kept my Comb”
Me, “I bet you just can’t part with it!”
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