Have you ever watched True Detective series? There was an episode, when the policemen were sitting at an office, and one of them asks another one:
FIRST GUY: Do you know how to call a black guy riding a plane?
SECOND GUY: ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... ????
FIRST GUY: A pilot, you racist!
BEAUTY PARLOUR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
S3CRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?". And that, my friend, is the definition of old.
In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.
A woman was standing at the edge of a cliff trying to get the nerve to jump off.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,
No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then
A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long. The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.
A man walks in to a restaurant and the waitress asks "Can I get you anything" and he says " Yea I'll have a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead" she said " I ment to eat" and he said "So did I"
THE CANDY BAR JOKE 😄😄😄 One day MR.Goodbar wanted a Bit-of-Honey so he took MS.Hershey behind the Power House on 5th Avenue were he began to fill her Mounds which were Almond Joy.She let out a Snicker as his Big Hunk slid up here Milky Way.The results were a Baby Ruth
Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!" --------------------------------------- added after 54 seconds
only registered users can see external links --------------------------------------- added after 5 minutes
And another one
______________________
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
Archaeologists recently uncovered the remains of an Egyptian mummy, covered in chocolate. An expert identified the remains as definitely being those of Pharaoh Rocher.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced Up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
Lulu was a prostitute, but she didn't want her grandma to know.
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.
The policeman fainted.
A woman is standing looking in the bedroom mirror… She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly… I really need you to pay me a compliment.” The husband replies, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
FIRST GUY: Do you know how to call a black guy riding a plane?
SECOND GUY: ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... [thinks] ... ????
FIRST GUY: A pilot, you racist!
A: One’s a Goodyear. The other’s a great year.
______
Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his s1ster in the jaw.
_____
Q: What’s the difference between your dick and a bonus check?
A: Someone’s always willing to blow your bonus.
______
Q: Why do women have orgasms?
A: Just another reason to moan, really.
🌾1. When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
🌾2. Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
🌾3. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.
🌾4. Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
🌾5. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
🌾6. Panties: Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
🌾7. There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.
🌾8. Virginity can be cured.
🌾9. Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity.
🌾10. Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
🌾11. I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
🌾12. Marriage is the only war where you get to sl.eep with the enemy.
🌾13. Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
🌾14. A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
🌾15. Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't
🌾16. Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
A: Breasts don't have eyes.
🌾17. Despite the old saying, ' Don 't take your troubles to bed', many men still sl.eep with their wives!!
🌾18. Breasts are proof that men can focus on 2 things at a time
Thanks!
A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS
The only animal you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
A grape with a sunburn.
S3CRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have similar to my character lines.
OLD
I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?". And that, my friend, is the definition of old.
In youth, the days are short and the years are long. In old age, the years are short and days long.
A homeless drunk stopped and mumbled,
If you're about to kill yourself, how about a shag before you go
The woman was angry and said,
Now FK Off you filthy old bastard.
The tramp turned to leave and said,
No problems, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator's mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator's mouth and zips up his pants and says, "See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?"
The drunk down at the end of the bar says, "Yah, I'd like to try it but I don't think I can hold my mouth open that long!"
He asked for 100 other fences to be taken into consideration.
* * * *
custody of their **** posed a problem. The mother
leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since
she brought the **** into this world, she should
retain custody of them. The man also wanted custody of
his ****, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair
and replied, "Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a
vending machine and a Pepsi comes out, does the Pepsi
belong to me or the machine?"
---------------------------------------------------------
A man walked into a bar and ask the barmaid " How much for a Slow Confortable Screw?" And she said " $3.50" and I said "Oh, That cheap?"
-----------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the restaurant that promotes safe sex? They write the bill on a condom so you can wine and dine your date, and then stick her with the bill.
-----------------------------------------------------------
A man walks in to a restaurant and the waitress asks "Can I get you anything" and he says " Yea I'll have a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead" she said " I ment to eat" and he said "So did I"
see your vapor when you breath, exhale, and speak...
THANK THE FUCKIN GODS WE CAN'T SEE VAPOR WHEN YOU FART.
Man goes to leave, barman shouts: Hey, you can´t leave that lyin´there.
Man: it´s not a Lion, it´s a Giraffe
A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
Q: What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common?
A: A wet nose.
Q: What is the difference between a Genealogist and a Gynecologist?
A: A Genealogist looks up your family tree, whereas a Gynecologist looks up your family bush.
--------------------------------------- added after 54 seconds
only registered users can see external links
--------------------------------------- added after 5 minutes
And another one
______________________
A guy goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, widower, with 11 grandchildren. Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.” The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “I’m telling everybody!”
Me: Don't you want to buy me dinner first?
Hygienist:
Me:
Dentist:
I'm not allowed back there any more
He was lost for words
* * * *
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
A: A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.
Its going to be called "For Four Eyes Only".
* * * *
Did you hear about the politician who sat on a microphone?
He was talking out of his arse.
* * * *
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your Business at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my Personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican Descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with Absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m Sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t Even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".
A clown held the door open for me the other day.
It was a nice jester.
I saw a loaf in a cage at the ****. the other day. Apparently it was bread in captivity...
Did you here about the scarecrow who won a lifetime achievement award, he was OUTSTANDING in his field
One day, the police raided the brothel and took all the girls outside and made them line up.
Suddenly, Lulu's grandma came by.
Grandma asked, "Why are you standing in line here, dear?"
Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, Lulu told her that the police were passing out free oranges and she was just lining up for some.
Why, that's awfully nice of them. I think I'll get some for myself," Grandma said, and she proceeded to the back of the line.
A policeman was going down the line asking for information from all the prostitutes. When he got to grandma, he was bewildered and exclaimed, "Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it old girl
Grandma replied, Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take my dentures out, rip the skin back and suck em' dry.
The policeman fainted.
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